My Pink Cage

There is a red leather couch in our family hall. I am sitting on it now. This is where I sit for almost 16 hours a day. I would either check my facebook, post on this blog or play the SIMS 3. Sometimes I would pop a DVD or two. I would download songs. Or sometimes just stare out the window thinking of places I could easily go to. But can't. Not because I can't physically but because I can't -- they won't allow me to even go out.

Tomorrow, my boyfriend and his friends would go to Laiya. I would love to join them. But I haven't told mom my intention to go. Because she would probably say no. I can already see how our conversation would go.

Noah: Ma, pupunta sina Chris sa Laiya.

Mom: Buti nalang hindi ka nahilig sa beach, ano?

Wow. Dun palang, wala na. Or it can go as follows:

Noah: Ma, pwede ba akong sumama kina Chris sa Laiya?

Mom: Ay hindi. Tapos overnight pa? Hindi ka pwede.

There are times when classmates would ask me to join them to go wherever but I would say no even without asking my parents if they would let me go. I'd rather spare us the long conversations that would most probably lead to a fight.

There are even times when I wanted to go somewhere or do something but can't -- to the point that later that evening, I ended up in th ER -- for hyperventilation.

After reading my copy of Saddock and Saddock's Psychiatry, I realized that I am also agoraphobic. I panic easily. And I have responsibility issues. And I have become passive-aggressive.

But if you'll ask me what I really what, my answer would still be: I don't know. I just want to be able to go out and not feel guilty.